Amanda Lugo Fitness: A Philosophic Take on Eating Disorders

During my sophomore year at the University of Minnesota, I took a class titled "The Body and Politics of Representation". ?The syllabus described the course as "a?history of philosophies of the body will provide a foundation for these inquiries, while sociological and critical theories will help us understand the complex relationships between our perceptions and presentations of the body, and the concrete, habituated ways we come to 'embody' them". ?It was one of the most interesting classes I took in college. ?Below is a paper I wrote for the class using Plato, Susan Bordo, and Nietzche to make sense of the relationship I had/have with ?eating disorders. ?The ironic thing about this paper is that when I wrote it I thought I was cured because I was not purging or starving myself. ?In reality, I was exercising, drinking, and using drugs in excess so my insecurities were projected into other activities. ?The last paragraph is actually pretty comical in retrospect. ?While I wanted to believe that I had a positive relationship with myself, I did not.

The Life of a Once Was Dualist

?Then soul is more similar than body to the invisible whereas body is more similar to that which is seen? (Plato 79a).

From the time I was 12 until I was 17, I was in a constant conflict with myself. ?My body and my mind were at war. ?It was a power struggle. ?My mind did not want my body and my body wanted to escape my mind. ?My mind wanted my body to be something it was not. ?It attempted to isolate itself by ridding the body of its needs. ?However, the body never gave up and continuously fought back. ?It indulged, gave into temptation, and then purged. ?I was bulimic and anorexic. ?In this paper, I am going analyze my life by comparing myself when I was a bulimic/anorexic using Plato?s ?Phaedo? and Susan Bordo?s ?Anorexia Nervosa: Psychopathy as Crystallization of Culture? and my current state by using Nietzsche?s ?Ecce Homo?.

The dualistic conflict that was going on within me was being fought for control. ?The mind and the body wanted control of each other. ?I was merely the battlefield for the war. ?In my mind, ?the only way to win this no win game was to go beyond control, to kill off the body?s spontaneities entirely-that is, to cease to experience our hungers and desires? (Bordo 146). ?Starving accommodated the needs of the mind while eating pleased the body. ?I felt the same amount of guilt when I ate as when I starved. ?It was as though I was trying to make the devil and God happy at the same time. ?I was a rubber band that was being stretched in opposite directions and finally snapped. ?There was no longer a field for the fight. ?I collapsed and spiraled out of control. When I hit the bottom, ?I was in a big whirlpool of my own emotions. ?I cannot think straight. ?I feel light headed. ?I don?t even know if I am thinking? (Lugo 3). ?For a moment, I felt like I was out of body and mind-not human. ?The opponents were tired and hurt but the only way for them to survive was to join together. ?Instead of fighting against one another, my mind and my body fought together for my life. ?This was when I started to receive help for my problem.

When I was a sophomore in high school, I confessed that I was addicted to over exercising, starving and purging in an English essay. ?The essay portrayed the battle between my mind and my body, ?I don?t want to eat but I am as hungry as a pig. ?I want to just inhale my food to satisfy these horrible hunger pains in my stomach. ?No. ?I can?t. ?Yes, I can? (Lugo 2002). ?I constantly strained myself. ?I was breaking down physically, mentally, and spiritually. ?In Plato?s ?Phaedo?, the philosopher states that, ?as long as we possess the body, and our soul is contaminated by such an evil, we?ll surely never adequately gain what we desire? (Plato 66a). ?That is exactly how I felt in my mind. ?I would picture the ultimate figure in my mind. ?I would actually fantasize about being light, feminine, and delicate but when I looked in the mirror I saw something else.

After an episode of purging, I wrote, ?What is wrong with the mirrors in this bathroom? ?My reflection is so distorted. ?That cannot be me. ?Tears start to race down my face by the trillions. ?My face is beet red. ?I have two muddy rivers of eyeliner and mascara dripping down my face on to my shirt? (Lugo 3). ?I was sick ?because the body affords us countless distractions, owing to the nurture it must have; and again, if any illnesses befall it, they hamper our pursuit of reality? (Plato 66a). ?My ?pursuit of reality? was the root of a complex cycle of depression. ?First, I was depressed because I wanted to be something that I was not, and then I was depressed when and if I ate, and lastly, I was depressed after I purged. ?I did see my body as an ?alien? (Bordo 144). ?My body was not welcomed by my soul. ?It was ?fastened and glued? (Bordo 144) to my soul. ?According to my mind, eating was a sin. ?It was a taboo for me to eat.

For five years of my life I was living in a fantasy world where I believed that ?if we?re going to know anything purely, we must rid of it, and must view the objects themselves with the soul by itself? (Plato 66a). ?Looking into a mirror was a hardship for me. ?In my mind, I truly believed that I was ugly. ?I did not look like my peers or the women that are deemed as ?beautiful? in our society. ?I was curvy at a young age and thought that having a womanly figure meant I was fat. ?Susan Bordo states that ?our bodies, no less than anything else that is human, are constituted by culture? (Bordo 142). ?Since I did not have a supermodel body, I was ugly and fat. ?

Ironically, I have never been overweight or out of shape. ?I have always been active and in optimal shape. ?I have actually always been underweight for my size. ??Anorexia is related to the increasing emphasis that fashion has placed on slenderness? (Bordo 140) and when you read about models who are 5?11 and 100 pounds in magazine such as Cosmopolitan and Vogue when you are an insecure pubescent girl, you start to think you are a cow.
suffered and wasted five years of my life. ?Reflecting on the person I once was is painful. ?I have no idea who that girl was. ?She was broken into two different entities- her mind and her body. ?I knew that if I continued to dwindle my life would be in jeopardy. ?I started to call out for help because I realized that I did not want to die. ?My life was worth much more than striving to be something that I would never be. ?Going to therapy and support group meetings helped me figure out me life. ?I did not know what my future held for me so I did not want to let myself dissipate into a realm of discontent and sorrow.

I needed to suffer in order to realize how to live life to the fullest. ?When I was sick, I was living a lie. ?I was letting life pass me by. ?Life is indeed unpredictable and my way to cope with life was to sicken myself. ?I became obsessed with Hollywood. ?I would read fashion magazines and watch the E! Network religiously. ?I never realized that Hollywood was giving me a poison while selling me the antidote. ?By overcoming my eating disorders, I overcame myself and my demons.

It is natural and completely normal to be hungry and lustful. ?I am not promoting gluttony and eroticism but when people ignore these impulses they deteriorate themselves mentally and physically. ?Nietzsche states that, ?radical means are indispensable only for the degenerate; the weakness of the will-or, to speak more definitely, the inability not to respond to stimulus- is itself merely another form of degeneration? (Nietzsche 487). ?Celibacy and starvation are extreme means of ?purifying? one?s self. ?In reality, they are ways to commit slow suicide. ?A person?s need continues to grow until they act defiantly on that impulse. ?Ignoring an itch does not make it go away.

Instincts are a major part of being human, ?to have to fight the instincts- that is the formula of decadence: as long as life is ascending, happiness equals instinct? (Nietzsche 479). ?Living a strict and contained life is not living at all. ?Man?s sureness of instinct is weakened by certainty. ?Plato?s will, consciousness, and spirits are all symptoms of man?s weakness. ?Plato unlike Nietzsche believed that life was greater after one dies. ?According to Plato, death was the only means of purifying the soul from the body. ?However, there is no certainty of an after life. ?Nietzsche contested that there is nothing after life.

I do not know if there is a life after this one which is why I agree with Nietzsche?s teachings. ?Being a prisoner in my own body and mind really made me strive to live a better life. ?The presence of suffering is something we overcome to transform into something higher. ?I am a better human being now. ?I have a positive body image. ?I know that I am beautiful and do not need to compare myself to anyone else. ?Sometimes I do get into a runt and feel down about myself for unknown reasons but now I know how to deal with those feelings in a healthy manner.

Writing this paper was extremely hard for me to do. ?I had to take numerous breaks to breathe, cry, and reflect on the person I once was. ?I cannot believe how I used to live (or not live). ?I am so happy that I have a positive and healthy attitude about myself now. ?Life is meaningless unless you make a meaning for yourself.

Source: http://amandalugofitness.blogspot.com/2012/10/a-philosophic-take-on-eating-disorders.html

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